Friendship languages: how much do you understand?

 

  You're always complaining that your friends aren't there for you, you think they aren't concerned about you enough. You're always asking for attention and not getting it. Have you thought that maybe you're asking the wrong people or asking the wrong way?

   Just as there are love languages, I have also discovered that we may have friendship languages too. This happened after I decided to stop asking this particular friend of mine to call me on the phone regularly. This decision came from a place of pain but I had time to think and I later realized that I just wanted to be treated better. I took time to reminisce on other times he had been there for me and I finally saw the problem.

I'll take you through some languages I discovered recently and you can add yours after you've understood my point.

   “ A friend is a person with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, typically one exclusive of sexual or family relations".

There are different categories of friends and different types of friendships. Friendship types include; acquaintance, friend, close friends and best friends. 

The first set are people we meet and are joined by one formal thing or the other. Friends are people we know about, for example, we attend the same schools or churches, we know their family and meet sometimes. We have close friends for the deep stuff- they know about us, our family, our likes and dislikes, they understand our moods and respect our boundaries. The last set (best friends) are our kinsmen. They are like family. In some cases, these people go through all the first three stages before they arrive at this level. In other cases, they have always been in our lives maybe as neighbors, or children of our parent's friends. They know our boundaries and can intrude because they've gotten the right to do so.

- The call friends: these ones call you up so much, they prefer talking on the phone to messaging. They can call everyday just to say hi and can also call with full gist. They can chat too but to them, calling is a more effective method of keeping up.

- The show up unannounced friends: these one are like your personal trackers, they'll call and ask where you are and then show up the next minute. They don't even call sometimes, just ‘ I'm here, how have you been?' 

- the physical friends and nothing extra: after you see these ones maybe at a planned meet up or by chance and catch up on everything, that's all until another meet up or chance meeting.

- The messaging friends: these ones are so conscious of how they sound on the phone, some lack fluent speaking skills and prefer to type. 

- The emergency friends: notice that there are some friends you talk to not so regularly but you know will pick up their phones whenever you call. You can call them in the middle of a mental breakdown and they'll show up or talk you out of it on the phone. They also help you with big decisions.

- The intentional friends: these ones are like unavoidable pests. They were probably the first to initiate the friendship so they do everything to make sure you don't run off. They'll study you and know exactly when to call, text or show up. I love these particular friends so much.

Read more about intentional friends here 👉https://www.theplainsimplelife.com/intentional-friendship/

   For people who have troubles with insecurities, you need intentional friends. Friends who do not mind reassuring you of their presence in your life, who'll even go the extra length to stamp reminders on your wall. In fact, everyone needs intentional friends.

Every friend serves a purpose in our lives, but do we understand their languages? You can't force someone who doesn't enjoy talking on the phone to call everyday. You can't expect someone who likes to show up to message you instead. Before you tag people friends, there should have been some form of understanding. You should have gone through a getting-to-know period with them- It is then that you place them accordingly. Even as children, we knew the playmates who preferred to play inside the house with toys better than building sand houses. As the years go by and people undergo diverse changes, intentional friends try to find out where these changes have happened and try to adjust.

I am the type of friend that wants to give moral support and inspirations, I prefer messaging to calling and I am definitely not a show up unannounced friend, but I love receiving calls from my friends once in awhile. I also know how to make so much noise when people I care about show up at my house. I've had good and bad experiences with friends and lately, I've been feeling desolate, neglected and set aside. I expect, but I don't meet expectations. I'm always overthinking. I talk myself out of it before I even message someone. I help people fix busy schedules and give myself so many reasons why I shouldn't disturb them with calls. I have just a few close friends because I haven't been intentional. A pastor at one relationship service I attended last month said, ‘ you can only teach people in the language they understand ’ . If you want someone who likes messaging to call you, you'll need to send a message saying, ‘ please call me today instead ’. 

A friend of mine had an accident four days ago and I didn't know about it because I'd been postponing sending a message. I'd complained to this particular person about a lack of communication between us after we see physically. The last time we saw, we spoke at length and all was good between us but I expected a call or a message because just seeing physically wasn't enough for me.

Talking about your feelings is always an answer. Don't assume with friends, rather, use your friend's language to teach them your language. Listen to your friends when they present their insecurities about your friendship to you.

It's not as easy as it seems but being an intentional friend does it. 

People are not rocks. Don't say you're this particular way and can't change, make exceptions for the people you care about and see how it works for you.